


Regret

by hopemaeda



Category: Super Danganronpa 2
Genre: AU, Izuru lives in Hinata's head I guess, M/M, Mentions of Anxiety, Mentions of Mental Illness, Post DR3, Post canon, death mention, illness mention, mentions of depression, physical illness mention, post sdr2, they all hate living on the island
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-18
Updated: 2017-05-18
Packaged: 2018-11-02 04:55:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,225
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10937427
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hopemaeda/pseuds/hopemaeda
Summary: Hajime Hinata regrets a lot of things.





	Regret

**Author's Note:**

> "Au" in which Hinata gets harassed by Kamukura, the 77th class hates living on Jabberwock Island, and Hinata regrets a lot.
> 
> (( this was a combination of 2 prompts I got on tumblr: *visting the others grave and *saying I love you for the first time ))

Hajime Hinata regrets a lot of things.

  
Agreeing to live on Jabberwock Island again is the thing he regrets almost the most.  
It's far, far away from civilization. Their only means of communicating with other people is when the Future Foundation sends boats with supplies over, or when Makoto video calls them. Neither of these occurrences happen often.  
It's lonely. Secure, yes, they feel safe, and they have each other, but somehow it's still lonely. They don't have to say it to each other for that to be true. It's an unfulfilling life.   
Most of them, as a whole, have anxiety, depression, among other things. There's trauma they can't come back from, and the days only seem to get worse. That may just be in his head, though. It might just be him.  
The island seemed to lose its joyful atmosphere quickly. Though the sun shines day after day, each brighter than the last, it feels gray and cold. Hinata knows he can at least try and help brighten everyone's moods, if they need to be brightened. He has that power.  
He doesn't ever want to. He doesn't feel like it. _It's selfish_ , he thinks.

He knows he'd be told to keep hope. That seems impossible now. Too much regret, too much pain, too much suffering. Nothing makes him happy anymore.

Hinata wakes up early every morning -- around 5 each day. Sometimes 4. He can't remember the last time he was well-rested in his cottage. When he's there, it feels like death is watching him from every corner. He's debated tearing it down and moving, but he doesn't have the energy. He just doesn't.

  
Hinata steps out from his cottage on the beach everyday, the same way, facing forward and staring out at the long expanse of sea before him. He feels nothing every time, and that terrifies him more than anything, so he leaves the beach and goes to the diner. It's like the simulation; same routine, over and over again, every single day. _That's ok_ , Hinata supposes. _'Not much else I can do._

  
Hinata always arrives at the diner first. Sonia is usually second; Mikan, Kazuichi, and Tanaka are after. Then Nidai, then Ryouta and Imposter, so on, and so on -- it's always the same.  
It's robotic, the way that they function. But what else can they do?  
He wonders if any of them feel the same way he does. They probably do.

Hinata can't name one singular reason why it grew this way over time. Is it all of them, simply succumbing to the trauma they've endured, and the depression they're now enduring? The losses they've faced? Is it just him? The constant repetitive nature of their everyday activities? Are his problems bleeding into theirs? Maybe it's just him who's like this.

There's only so much you can do on an island, and so many times you can do them, before things get...boring.  
Hinata hates being bored. He hates it, completely and utterly; he panics when the feeling comes on, and he's been feeling it more and more. It seems like every passing day, that feeling sinks in even deeper. He's trying hard not to let it.

_I need to get off this island._

  
_But we can't, can we? That's not allowed._

  
_Shut up._

 

\-----------------------

 

Distracting himself is hard, with limited things to do. Talking gets boring. Jogging gets boring. He figures that Fuyuhiko and Peko are the most stable, considering their relationship. They never get tired of each other, thus they are never bored.   
Hinata doesn't hang around them anymore. He only feels bitter in their presence, and he hates it. Hates the relationship. Hates _himself_ for feeling that way. Hates himself for hating. Terrible, terrible, terrible.

Hinata knows the real reason -- one of them -- why it grew to be like this. Dull. Black and white. Sad. It's his fault.

Losing Chiaki...was ok, in the end. Well, not ok, but...it proved to be easy to come back from. Her death brought hope, and thus they thrived on it. They looked forward for her -- living on for her, in her honor. That was the ok part of it, but all novelties wear off eventually.

Losing anyone else, no matter who, was a devastating thought.   
Of course, Hinata thought it was just a lie, even after the simulation ended. He wanted to believe it was still a lie. A potentially good, but sad, story idea. Not that Hinata would read it.  
None of them seemed to think that death was possible again after everything that had happened. They were all so stupid. Hinata in particular.  
No one really cared about him, but Hinata always did. It's not like anyone can help who they like. He can't be blamed.

  
It's not that _they_ were bothered by his death. It was Hinata's fault; _he_ was bothered, and in turn brought them down with him. He should feel guilty, but he doesn't. Part of him feels bad about that, too, but he's too busy self-loathing most of the time. He thinks about what could have been. He was too stupid to see the end, too dense to see through a blatant lie -- an attempt to take back words that hadn't meant to be said.   
Even in the moment, while it happened in front of his very eyes, Hinata _denied_ it.

"You'll be _fine_ ," he'd say, and smile, and hold his hand. "You'll pull through."  
"While I admire your hope for the situation, no," the other would reply. "I'm going to die, Hajime. I made peace with it long ago; why can't you?"

Granted, his words were choppy, and there were always less than that. That's just what Hinata got out of the nonsensical responses.

Hinata wishes he said something sooner. While he could still understand. While he could still respond.  While he was still _alive_.  
Hinata never did, though.   
He regrets that most of all.

When Nagito died, he cried -- hard. It wasn't entirely about him, he has to admit; he thinks it was everything before that moment, and that combined. He cried for a long time. No one else except for Mikan was in the hospital when it happened.  When he came out of Nagito's room, she was sitting outside the door with her knees to her chest, staring at the wall. She sprang up when Hinata stared at her, squeaking out apologies -- probably. Hinata barely heard any of it. He wasn't even embarrassed that she'd probably heard everything. He just didn't care.

They buried him on the beach, deep. They had to dig through a lot of sand for that, and Hinata was sure no one was pleased. He didn't really care; he did most of the work, anyway.  
The...funeral, if he could even call it that, was awkward. Everyone was awkward. Hinata wondered if anyone even felt bad for _not_ feeling bad -- that was a feeling he knew well. He figured Fuyuhiko was the only one other than himself that actually did feel bad; the boy was solemn and any brightness in his eyes seemed to have drained in the moment he realized the luckster was really, truly dead this time. It was kind of shocking to see him like that.

Kazuichi approached him after the "funeral."  
"Hey." Hinata could remember it clear as day. "Dude, are ya gonna be ok?"   
His friend had looked at him with such concern. _Do I look that bad?_ He recalled thinking.   
"I'll be fine," Hinata had replied, the words coming out a bit shorter than he meant for them too. "I just...I need to be alone right now."  
Kazuichi respected that. Or maybe he just didn't want to deal with comforting Hinata over someone he didn't actually care about.

_You're so idiotic, and you know it. Crying over something like that._

  
_Like you can talk, hypocrite. It's not like you haven't cried._

 

\------------------

 

He's not a pining teenager.  
This is something _completely_ different.  
He's heard the words "I wish I could say something, but I just can't!" many times. It agitates him. That statement is false. You can always, most definitely, speak to anyone who is alive. Hinata can't speak to the dead.   
When someone dies, there's always so much _want_ \-- want for them back, want to say whatever you haven't, want to be forgiven, to forgive, to give back. When some is dead, though, you can't have what you want.   
Regardless if your crush is taken, if your friend is far away, if your relationship is failing...there's still always room for something to be _said_ , so long as they are alive. It doesn't matter if it doesn't get you your selfish desires -- _those words can still be said_. Saying things lifts weight off your shoulders, whether you get what you want or not. Speaking itself lifts that weight.   
Hinata can't do that.

He visits the grave often, but has never said anything. He's only sat by it, stared at it, placed flowers by it. Anything else has always seemed wrong, even just as a thought in his mind.

Today is different. He walks out of his cottage like usual, then goes to the diner.   
There, Kazuichi talks about Nagito for the first time since, probably, the day of the funeral. It shocks Hinata to a point where he almost chokes on his drink.

"So you visit Komaeda's grave, right?"

Hinata turns his head to stare at him -- once he puts down his drink, of course.

"Is that a yes?"

"Um. Yes -- why?" He tries to sound casual.

"Oh, I was just...curious..." Kazuichi pulls at his beanie. "I dunno, I just...do you ever talk to him?"

It was confusing to Hinata why he was asking these questions. He never seemed to care before. Maybe Sonia put him up to it -- she was like that, though Hinata knew that it was likely just politeness on her part if that was the case.

"No," Hinata replied after an awkward pause.

"Oh." Kazuichi glanced away, clearly uncomfortable with Hinata staring at him. "Well, uh...ya should. Sometime. I think that...would help. 'Cause you've always told us about how talkin' about your feelings, like, helps and stuff, and we're all kinda worried about you, but...Fuyuhiko says that we'd probably never get ya to talk to us about...him."

Hinata is silent for awhile longer. He doesn't want to be here anymore.   
"Ok," he finally says. "I'll...I'll talk to you later, Kazuichi."

"Ok," his friend quickly replies, and Hinata stands and leaves.

He goes back to his cottage first. He just...sits outside, on the steps, and stares at the sand. He stays like that for at least twenty minutes before doing anything else.

He goes to the grave next.   
He knows that, unless he moves on like he's done before, nothing will get better for them. As selfish as it sounds, he knows he's the heart of their group. He's their leader, though it seems weird to even him. They rely on him, so he has to be strong for them. But...he doesn't really feel like he's going to make it back from this one. At least, not for a long time.

"Nagito," he slowly begins, staring at the gravestone. It seems like being given "permission" from Kazuichi was the push he needed. "I don't know if you can hear me. I must sound pretty dumb talking to myself if you can't."

_You do._

"But...I guess I might as well say the words, right? I mean...I don't know." He fists his hands in his hair, elbows leaning on his legs. He's no longer looking at the gravestone. "You know I love you, right? Did you figure that out wen you died? Are you disappointed with me? Mad at me?" Hinata thinks of at least 3 different reasons as to why Komaeda would be mad. "I'm sorry." He's quiet for a long time.

_Are you done?_

"I miss you. I hope I'm enough, I know no one else really cares." He shuts his eyes. "That was...kind of a mean thing to say. Sorry. I just...I wish they cared more. They didn't understand you like I did, I guess. Maybe Fuyuhiko did."

_Do you hear yourself?_

"I was stupid for never saying anything," Hinata went on. "I'm not going to do that anymore. If I feel something, I'm just going to say it." He looks up at the stone again. "...That's the right thing to do, right?"  
There's a pause of silence.  
"Is there a point in trying anymore?" He knows it's pointless to ask questions. He asks anyway. "I'm really scared, Nagito. Of my future--of everyone's future -- all of us here. The days only seem to get _worse_ , and Kamukura won't leave me alone. He wasn't as bad when you were around; I think I took that for granted."  
Thankfully, Kamukura says nothing.  
"Would you want me to move on? Would you care? You'd want me to believe in hope, I guess, yeah, but..." He trails off. "...I'll talk to you again another day."

He stand up, brushing sand off of his pants, and takes one last look at the gravestone before turning and walking away, heading away from the beach.

_Wow, you're finally done? I could feel that. It's about time you got over yourself._

**Author's Note:**

> ** comments are greatly appreciated!! ^^ **


End file.
